read this fast, because that’s how i’d tell you if you were here. i’m getting divorced. it will be finalized in the next few weeks. i’ve been separated for almost two years – i’ve been living alone.
shooo. there. i said it. we can slow down.
a few years ago, i decided i wanted something different in life, so i pushed my luck and tried for a new hand. well, i started by discarding a few things i thought i could spare, hoping i’d piece together a full house. i’d get lucky – i always had.
who was i kidding? the whole hand had to be redealt.
i waded in, self-assured i was buoyant, just thinking i’d go for a quick swim – not realizing i’d have to lose sight of the shore before any significant change could happen. i told lies. i took advantage. i was calculated and totally contrived and i thought i was in control.
i started to drown. i grabbed at things to keep from drifting away, unknowingly prohibiting the inevitable flow that needed to happen. if you’re anywhere close to this chaos, to divorce, or separation, a major break-up, infidelity — please know: patience. you get there when you get there. i cannot tell you how true that has proven to be. the only fucking way is through, and there’s no set time to make it there. you get there when you let go.
right now, my marriage, my husband, my identity as a wife – a ‘normal’ married person – feels like i imagine a phantom limb would. i can sense it there. i remember what it was like to have it. it’s close enough to reach out for, but there’s no flexibility now – i can’t touch what’s behind. i can only honor it with kindness for what was it, honesty about what it wasn’t, and gratitude for the lessons it’s left.
in 2017 i go forward, and through. i work to accept that life isn’t going to go how i thought it would, and i’m ok with that – i’m even letting it be exciting. when you try to control things, you can only take one path – the one you know. so i’m learning what i don’t know. i’m doing things differently. in the reverse, i can now sense parts of me that i couldn’t quite get my fingers on before.
i’ve invested in friendships that have sustained me in the dark and brought out more light than i knew existed. i’ve met someone i connect with in new ways and i’m practicing being loved and loving back. for months i’ve withdrawn from the blog but i’ve lived IRL. i’ve traveled. i’ve had too much to drink. i’ve not slept enough. i’ve slept too much. and cried. and cooked for one. i’ve been brave. i’ve annoyed the shit out of my best friends. i’ve thanked them. i’ve walked miles, and run a bit and then walked again when i didn’t want to sit alone with myself. i dug into my community and found it was there to support me. i washed dogs, and filled notebooks with lists of why and why not, i threw parties, took baths, swiped on tinder, posted inspirational quotes to instagram late at night and i’ve tried to make a new home feel familiar in a white box perched over downtown.
there are deep wounds, but also an infinity of opportunities to grow from the lessons of failure, and loss. it’s time to rebuild. i’m ready to share again on my blog. thank you for sticking around and supporting a space for me to find my voice, even when it’s barely a whisper. i’ve built a brand, a way of living really, on sharing discoveries, encouraging adventure, and daring you to find authenticity — hope you saved room for me; i’m ready to try again.